u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
