I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
