This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
