Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
