i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
