His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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