you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
