The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
