They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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