All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You are the jesus of drinking
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
FUCK WHALES
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
