Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
