Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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