Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Barsexuality is the new black.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
