you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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