i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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