I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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