I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
