this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
