you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
