using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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