I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
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