guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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