He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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