I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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