My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
