I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
