My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
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We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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