I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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