If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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