Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
its liver damage thursday
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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