guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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