I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
