I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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