FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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