totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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