He uses pillows to masturbate.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
