I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
