Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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