Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
