ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
