he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
