if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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