Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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