so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
