he looks like a really good dad on facebook
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
