Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
