New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
