Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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