My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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