So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
