I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
