did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This baby is an asshole
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
