I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
