So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
