True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
