I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
