Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
