new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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