Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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