When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
