I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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