It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
