3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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