Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
