I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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