The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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